Saturday, June 30, 2007

Reader Question of the Day - Hurt So Good

Is safe S/M role-playing normal? It's something my boyfriend and I have talked about. And when do you know you've gone too far?

It is absolutely normal and more and more couples are introducing this type of play into their sex lives.

In S&M, or sadomasochistic sex play, the consensual playacting is based on fantasy situations of dominance and submission. One partner will "force" his/her will on the other, consensually experimenting with activities that involve physical pain, discomfort, or intensity. Consensually. Did I mention that it should be consensual?

I can not stress enough the need to talk things out with your partner first. You mentioned you and your boyfriend have discussed introducing S&M into your relationship. You've taken the first step. Now, if you haven't already, discuss "scenes" you are both picturing. Make sure that your idea of S&M is the same as his. One person's "light spanking only" could be another's "tied up, wearing leather underwear and a ball gag". This is one of those subjects you want to make sure you are both on the same page about before you even start. The last thing you need is to be in the heat of the moment, saying "You want to do what with my WHAT?"

Talk about what each of your limits are. You didn't mention if one of you has already expressed interest in taking on the dominant or submissive role so see which of you would feel comfortable with. Some people are naturally more submissive and some like to take charge.

Once you have figured out how you want to work S&M into your sex life, how do you let the other know when it's gone to far? Many couples set up what is known as a "safeword". A safe word is used for a submissive to signal to the other that they have had enough. The safeword is generally used so that the sub can scream "no" and "stop" and other words that tend to be used in S&M roleplay as much as he/she wants without really meaning it, and still have a way communicating "ok. Seriously. Stop." A safeword is usually a word that the person would not ordinarily say during sex, like "cantaloupe" or "toaster oven" or something equally unsexy.

Looking for more help and ideas? There is a widely praised book on this topic called SM 101: A Realistic Introduction by Jay Wiseman. I can not recommend it enough.

Good luck to you both. If done right, S&M can be an excellent way to add some spice into your relationship.

Labels: Advice

Phonication 8:47 PM

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