Tuesday, July 24, 2007

Reader Question of the Day - The Lonliest Virgin

Do you know how many young adults are having sex? Are there any stats? I was wondering because I feel like I'm the only one sometimes who hasn't had sex. I'm a 23 year old male and I am still a virgin. But really, it's not a big deal for me. I'm just not up for trolling for chicks like they are. Is that weird? Is there something wrong with the fact that I'm not hooking up like all my friends are?

Even if you were the only 20-something not having sex, that wouldn't make you "weird". It would just mean that you were doing what felt right for you. People ultimately make their own choices based on many things, including privacy, opportunity, finding a caring partner, cultural or religious beliefs, and trust levels.

I found a study online called Using social norms theory to explain perceptions and sexual health behaviors of undergraduate college students: an exploratory study. published in 2005 which shows shows how college students' perceptions of their peers' sexual activity can be overestimated. The study, which asked questions about various "sexual behaviors," shows that while 80 percent of students had 0 or 1 sexual partner during the preceding year, only 22 percent of those students believed their fellow students had one or fewer partners. Students perceived their peers were more sexually active than they actually were. 59 percent of students reported having no sexual activity within the past month. What you think your friends are doing may be wildly different from what is actually going on.

Also,"hooking up" means different things to different people. One person's hook up may be a simple kiss. whereas someone else may think that everyone who "hooks up" is having intercourse. So what you think of when your friends say they "hooked up" may be very different from what actually happened.

About 6 years ago, there was a study from the Foundation for Academic Standards & Tradition (FAST), a nonprofit student advocacy organization, where college students were asked, "Are you sexually active?" 56 percent of the students replied "yes". 40 percent said they were not. Of the students who answered "yes," 8 percent said that they had not had sex during the preceding semester. The survey, however, did not define "sexually active." Some took "sexually active" to mean, "having sex on a regular basis" and some took it to mean "ever having had sex". Some took "sex" to mean intercourse and some just passionate kissing or foreplay.

But really, it doesn't matter what others are doing and how often and with who. It is important to do what you feel comfortable with. Don't think you have to have sex just to catch up to your peers. You should be having sex, the kind that you want, when/because you want to, and not because of anybody else's behavior. Once you are ready or you find someone you connect with in that way, trust me, you'll know.

Labels: Advice

Phonication 8:07 PM

0 comments

Saturday, July 7, 2007

Reader Question of the Day - Buzz Kill

Today's question comes from Erica.

She writes:

Lately I was thinking about buying myself a vibrator. I'm scared to go buy one plus, I'm worried about my parents finding out. There are some places near by that I can go purchase one, but I'm too scared to actually go in plus I know there are lots to choose from and I don't know what kind to get. LOL! Sorry, I silly asking this and hope you can help. You seem like someone who would know about this sort of thing.

First, don't feel silly! Getting your first vibrator can be a daunting task. Trust me, I was once in your shoes. I was worried that I might get the "wrong" one or that one of my parents' friends would see me coming out of the store with my new purchase in a plain paper bag and they would quickly get on the phone to my mother to tell her what I'd just done.

Fortunately, with a little bit of research, I was able to purchase my first sex toy and avoid disaster.

First thing to realize is that the people who work in those shops have heard it all and know all about what they are selling so don't be afraid to ask questions. They want happy customers.

There are dozens of types of vibrators, each with their own features. Buying a vibrator is like buying anything else -- you want to make sure it has the features you want at a price within your budget. Vibrators come in all shapes and sizes and made of all types of material. Deciding on how to narrow down your choices is a bit overwhelming at first. Easiest way to start is deciding the answers to the following 3 questions:

Where do you want to stimulate
Will it be used for insertion
What sort of shape/size do you want

Take for example my friend Rachel. I wanted to get her a vibe as a bachelorette gift. Rachel, like you, had never purchased a vibrator before. She knew that she never orgasmed from intercourse or "g-spot" stimulation so that knocked out half of the choices. She knew she wanted something small so that eliminated the longer wand styles. With just those two bits of information, we were able to pick out a discreet , bullet shaped vibrator that was also waterproof. So, think about those things while deciding on what to buy.

There are many sites online that sell vibrators and maybe doing some research (and even purchasing!) online might be the way to go. Some of my favourite sites are Libida and Good Vibrations. Both businesses are profesionally run and offer a sex-positive, female-focused experience. Joani Blank, founder of Good Vibrations also has a book called Good Vibrations: The New Complete Guide to Vibrators which can be purchased on Amazon.com or at most larger book retailers!

Good luck and congrats on being brave enough to take control of your sexual pleasure!!

Labels: Advice

Phonication 12:00 PM

0 comments

Saturday, June 30, 2007

Reader Question of the Day - Hurt So Good

Is safe S/M role-playing normal? It's something my boyfriend and I have talked about. And when do you know you've gone too far?

It is absolutely normal and more and more couples are introducing this type of play into their sex lives.

In S&M, or sadomasochistic sex play, the consensual playacting is based on fantasy situations of dominance and submission. One partner will "force" his/her will on the other, consensually experimenting with activities that involve physical pain, discomfort, or intensity. Consensually. Did I mention that it should be consensual?

I can not stress enough the need to talk things out with your partner first. You mentioned you and your boyfriend have discussed introducing S&M into your relationship. You've taken the first step. Now, if you haven't already, discuss "scenes" you are both picturing. Make sure that your idea of S&M is the same as his. One person's "light spanking only" could be another's "tied up, wearing leather underwear and a ball gag". This is one of those subjects you want to make sure you are both on the same page about before you even start. The last thing you need is to be in the heat of the moment, saying "You want to do what with my WHAT?"

Talk about what each of your limits are. You didn't mention if one of you has already expressed interest in taking on the dominant or submissive role so see which of you would feel comfortable with. Some people are naturally more submissive and some like to take charge.

Once you have figured out how you want to work S&M into your sex life, how do you let the other know when it's gone to far? Many couples set up what is known as a "safeword". A safe word is used for a submissive to signal to the other that they have had enough. The safeword is generally used so that the sub can scream "no" and "stop" and other words that tend to be used in S&M roleplay as much as he/she wants without really meaning it, and still have a way communicating "ok. Seriously. Stop." A safeword is usually a word that the person would not ordinarily say during sex, like "cantaloupe" or "toaster oven" or something equally unsexy.

Looking for more help and ideas? There is a widely praised book on this topic called SM 101: A Realistic Introduction by Jay Wiseman. I can not recommend it enough.

Good luck to you both. If done right, S&M can be an excellent way to add some spice into your relationship.

Labels: Advice

Phonication 8:47 PM

0 comments